Postpartum Depression - Real Life
I'm about to get real with you.
This is raw. I'm sitting on my cold bathroom floor in the dark with a bright white light burning into my eyes. I just put my daughter to bed after spending the last hour crying. Both of us. Crying.
Tonight during her dinner she saw my phone go off and screamed because she wanted it. I do let her hold/play with my phone. All she does is look at pictures of herself and calls her father (yes, somehow she has figured that out already). Don't judge me. She screamed and threw her green beans on the floor. My poor girl has been sick for three days or so hasn't been eating even half as much as usual. After 3-5 minutes of listening to her lose her mind over not being able to hold my phone during dinner I just lost it. I'm crying just about as hard as she is.
I can't watch her be unhappy and scream like that I can't handle it. Watch her gasping for air so upset over something so little but I don't give in - I just sit there sobbing. Watching her watch me.
I've been struggling with postpartum depression. Ella is 16 months old and I'm still struggling. I want her to eat. I want her to be happy. I want her to feel better.
I want to love my body. I want to be happy and energized when I wake up in the morning. I don't want to pray for nap time and I don't want to be so hard on myself.
I don't want her to be like me.
Today Terry told me how much she looks like me, which I love! But sitting at the table today watching her cry I think about her feeling the way I feel one day. Struggling to cope with everything that depression is. There are those days that every mom has. You feel like superwoman and you do everything and you're amazing! (normally days I have 2+ coffees). Then there are days like today; I want to hide from her. I don't want her to see me upset or lash out on her from all of my stress. She got upset today because I walked away from her to check my phone.. little did I know that she was watching me. That I left her to go check my phone - as if it was more important.
I never want her to feel the way I felt today. I want her to always know how amazing she is! How perfect we think she is!
Lesson Learned: She is watching me and I need to get help. I need to love myself and learn to cope with my stress and depression. She needs a role model and it should be me.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not healed by writing this. I'm still siting here feeling empty and questioning every parenting move - cause I have no idea what I'm doing. There is no miracle solution for depression. But for now I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and go pack some boxes because I move in two days.
If you're struggling with postpartum depression just know you're not alone.
Until next time..
*Photos of Ella and her first babydoll*
Try not to melt from all the cuteness
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